If you’re looking for a chipper, smiley face post, this probably isn’t the one for you. No brownies, either. Sorry. Maybe tomorrow?
I have a long standing history of swallowing my voice. Refusing to speak, because speaking means exposing myself, being vulnerable, risking the displeasure of others and some unknown other boogeymen. So I stay quiet, suck it up and just work harder.
I’m stressed. I came back from a wonderful retreat, and am faced with a “to do” mound (we’re way past list or pile). I’m faced with an influx of insurance denials for clients and really being pissed that the system isn’t supporting people with real, genuine medical needs and now I have to go chase people around to get paid. I always feel guilty doing that.
I’ve (once again) taken on too many projects. And there are ones that I hate to say no to, and people who need help, in areas that don’t fit my interests. I feel obligated to say yes, and know it’s not the right choice for me.
It makes me feel physically ill because I’m put in that same, familiar place: either go along with it and truly devalue myself and my work, or risk conflict. I will be saying something—it’s non-negotiable. I just hate this running theme where I am frantically paddling to keep up and so very afraid of upsetting others.
Please don’t get me wrong—all of these projects are things I’ve taken on out of love. They’re things that I believe in and care about.
And yet they’re still missing the most important part.
Self-love. Self-worth. The non-negotiable ability to stand strong and let things bounce around however they will.
The ability to say no, fully understanding that it will disappoint others, and accepting that, too.
The funniest part is that on some goofy level I think that doing the polite thing is generous, but that can’t be further from the truth. Not only is it taking away from ME and my life, but I imagine it’s siphoning my energy from other areas and (at this moment) causing me bitterness.
When I give too much out of fear, I cheat myself, and I cheat everyone around me.
At least the maximum bullshit point is a great catalyst for change. The more still I am when I’m meditating, the more motivated I become to bring that peace into daily life, and the less willing I am to tolerate the everyday ways I sell myself short.